Poor Amanda

I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. In a week, my best friend is moving away to a completely different province. Poor me.

But I started thinking today. I don't want to mope around about it, but I don't want to pretend I don't care, either. The truth is that this friendship took years to grow strong, and her moving has made me realize what a gem of a friendship we have. It's hard to find a girlfriend you can laugh with AND cry with, who's got a similar philosophy of life, and who is brave enough to tell you when you're doing the wrong thing. Oh yeah, and she lets me tell her, too. She encourages me to follow Christ, and that's what I need most.

Her moving has made me ask God a couple hard questions lately. I've been questioning his planning, his promise to provide for us as his children, and his motives. Things aren't going the way I'd planned and prayed for, so what if his plan isn't so great after all? What if I've been encouraging her all along to trust him, and he's not going to come through in the way that we want?

Finally admitting to these questions that have been brewing in my heart today, I realized something. I realized I'd forgotten the biggest lesson that God taught me this year.

You see, this past year (okay, fifteen months), our family has had a crazy ride. I gave birth to our twins 3 months early, and they spent 3 months in the hospital. During that time, they were extremely sick, and one of them almost died. But he didn't. Then, when they were ten months old, he had to go back to the children's hospital for more surgery, and we almost lost him again.

Recently, I'd been thinking that the biggest lesson I'd learned this year was how powerful our prayers can be. After all, God listened and saved Xander's life numerous times when we prayed. Our baby's last recovery even coincided with a prayer meeting!

But I'd forgotten something else. Something that had come to me one day when I was driving to the hospital, again, and worrying about money. I started to question God then, too. I asked him, "Are you going to forget about us now? You've provided everything we've needed up to this point, but now what? We need more help, and I don't see it coming."

Do you want to know the answer that came to me, clear as day? Let me warn you -- it's not easy to accept. It goes against everything in our do-it-my-way, give-me-answers hearts.

He said, "I am God."

"I. Am. God."

At that moment, I realized that if he wanted to make us completely destitute, he had every right to do so. He is God.

When Xander was sick, I prayed for him to get better, but I remembered that God is God. He had every right to say no, and I knew he would pick up the pieces of my heart and comfort me if I needed it.

And again, today, standing in my kitchen feeling sorry for myself and wondering why God wasn't jumping to answer our prayers or show us the future, he reminded me: He is God.

Am I prepared to worship him no matter what? To say, in essence, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him?" To look past my wants, my troubles, and ask to be included in his bigger plan?

I'd like to.

I will.

After all, he IS God.