Becoming Christ-Centred, Part 1

Today at my church, our pastor encouraged and challenged us all to take the jump from being growing Christians to being Christ-centered Christians. In other words, he challenged us to quit asking God what he can do for us and to become willing to let go of everything and cling only to Christ.

Sounds scary, doesn't it?

I remember how I used to read that God's will is good and pleasing and perfect, but the whole time, there was a niggling doubt in my mind. What if it was only pleasing to him, and not to me? What if I said yes to him, and he asked me to do something that scared me?

Gradually, I quit saying yes to him. It was subtle at first, but before long, all the joy that I had experienced as a new Christian had disappeared, and I was faking it. I felt empty and out-of-sorts, but I kept going through the motions of being a "good Christian." Meanwhile, I was bogged down with guilt over my inadequacy.

So what happened to me? How come I can say all of these things in the past tense now? Well, when I think about it, there are a couple things that stand out to me.

The first change happened when a friend told me this: That, in essence, once we get to a plateau in our faith, most of us try to regain our initial spark, our first emotional high we experienced as new believers. We try to go back. But the thing to do is not to re-capture that fleeting honeymoon feeling, but to go forward into a new and deeper commitment, one based not on emotions but on obedience.

The next big change started happening when I admitted to God that I didn't trust him. Not one little bit. I was so sure he'd be mad, or hurt, that I could barely even admit it to myself, let alone him, for the longest time. But he isn't like a person who takes offense; he already knew I didn't trust him, long before I found out.

Then, once it was out in the open, I felt so relieved. I had told God I didn't trust him, and he hadn't struck me down with lightning. I didn't even feel a bit of condemnation from him. Instead, I felt his approval, his gladness that I was finally being honest. That's when I learned the meaning of the verse, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," from Matthew 5. I finally knew, without a doubt, that I had nothing spiritual to offer God. All my striving to become the mature Christian and do all the right things had gotten me nowhere. I couldn't produce my own fruit.

So, I asked for his help. I basically said, "Okay, I really don't trust you, but I want to. At least, I want to want to. I'm still a little scared, so you're going to have to change me. Help!"

My life didn't change right away, but my heart was different. I wasn't resisting any more. I didn't know it, but I was on my way to Christ-centeredness.

Why Has God Seemed Distant Lately?

I'm processing something, so I'll write about it.

I want to know what God's plan is, in all its details and timelines. How should we spend our money? Do we renovate or not? Are we going to have more kids, and if we do, will they be ours, or should we adopt?

I have so many questions for him, but at the same time, I'm finally feeling at peace again, after a frustrating and distant two weeks. Isn't it funny how God can feel so distant, even though we know he's right there? I felt like I was praying up against a wall, talking but not really communicating. I couldn't really hear him very well; I've been so tired and distracted lately that I didn't really notice it at first, but my blahs caught up to me tonight, and I asked him about it.

"Where are you? What happened to me that I feel distant from you?"

And I actually sat down and tried to muddle it out instead of complaining and moving on to the next activity, like I usually do.

I retraced my steps back to when I first noticed feeling out of whack, and I really thought about what might have happened. And you know what it was? It's the same thing as it always is when God feels distant to me. I had started saying no to him.

It was just a stupid, little thing that you'd think wouldn't make a difference. Really, it was just me deciding I wanted things a certain way, and then deciding not to ask my Father if that was his best plan, because I wanted it that way. I figured he wouldn't really care about it anyway.

But he cares about everything. :) And my stubborn heart blocked up our communication. The issue itself didn't really matter to him; it was my stubbornness, my "No, I want it my way," -- or, in more precise terms, "La la la la, I'm not listening," -- that mattered to him.

And, what do you know, when I told him I wasn't listening, I stopped hearing from him! Go figure.

Oddly enough, as soon as I figured this out tonight, let go of my stubborn desires, and said yes to him, I felt at peace.

I still have no idea what the specifics of his plans for me are, but now that I'm not stubbornly insisting on my own way anymore, I don't mind. He'll work it all out, and I'll be there to watch in awe, with my mouth hanging open a little, as I see how amazing his plans can be.

Blessed Are The Poor In Spirit...

Strange things are happening.

I was sitting in church yesterday when my mind wandered. Somehow, I went from focusing on what Rod was saying to thinking about my spiritual journey and how I always seem to be closer to God when crises are happening. I cling to him when I need him, and coast when things are easy.

That's when the light bulb went on.

You see, I've been struggling lately. I've been complaining to God about my best friend moving away. Far, far away. Throughout this whole last year and a half, whenever I needed a friend to cry with or just some godly perspective, she's been there. And now, when I'm sad about her leaving, I think, "I should call N to come over for some coffee and a chat," then I realize that I can't. And that makes it worse.

The light bulb moment came when I realized that all my sadness about her leaving is actually creating a bit of a crisis... which in turn draws me to rely on God more. So really, God isn't being mean to me or her for calling her family away. He's being kind. He's drawing us to himself. *Bing!*

I know it's a little strange to be a bit of a crisis junkie, finding it easier to rely on God when I've got no resources left. Most people seem to do the opposite, praising him when things are going well and questioning him when things don't go their way. But really, I do that, too. I question him and complain a lot. I struggle through his motives, his trustworthiness, my faith.

But every time a crisis comes and I choose to rely on him, I find him to be an unwavering rock, a comfort, and a source of inexplicable strength. Every time I've been forced to see if his promises are true, I have discovered them to be absolutely real.

It's been in the worst times of my life that I've gotten to know him best. Those are the moments that my faith went from something that created emotional highs to something that created deep roots of strength and peace and trust.

Doesn't God work in strange ways?

Poor Amanda

I've been feeling sorry for myself lately. In a week, my best friend is moving away to a completely different province. Poor me.

But I started thinking today. I don't want to mope around about it, but I don't want to pretend I don't care, either. The truth is that this friendship took years to grow strong, and her moving has made me realize what a gem of a friendship we have. It's hard to find a girlfriend you can laugh with AND cry with, who's got a similar philosophy of life, and who is brave enough to tell you when you're doing the wrong thing. Oh yeah, and she lets me tell her, too. She encourages me to follow Christ, and that's what I need most.

Her moving has made me ask God a couple hard questions lately. I've been questioning his planning, his promise to provide for us as his children, and his motives. Things aren't going the way I'd planned and prayed for, so what if his plan isn't so great after all? What if I've been encouraging her all along to trust him, and he's not going to come through in the way that we want?

Finally admitting to these questions that have been brewing in my heart today, I realized something. I realized I'd forgotten the biggest lesson that God taught me this year.

You see, this past year (okay, fifteen months), our family has had a crazy ride. I gave birth to our twins 3 months early, and they spent 3 months in the hospital. During that time, they were extremely sick, and one of them almost died. But he didn't. Then, when they were ten months old, he had to go back to the children's hospital for more surgery, and we almost lost him again.

Recently, I'd been thinking that the biggest lesson I'd learned this year was how powerful our prayers can be. After all, God listened and saved Xander's life numerous times when we prayed. Our baby's last recovery even coincided with a prayer meeting!

But I'd forgotten something else. Something that had come to me one day when I was driving to the hospital, again, and worrying about money. I started to question God then, too. I asked him, "Are you going to forget about us now? You've provided everything we've needed up to this point, but now what? We need more help, and I don't see it coming."

Do you want to know the answer that came to me, clear as day? Let me warn you -- it's not easy to accept. It goes against everything in our do-it-my-way, give-me-answers hearts.

He said, "I am God."

"I. Am. God."

At that moment, I realized that if he wanted to make us completely destitute, he had every right to do so. He is God.

When Xander was sick, I prayed for him to get better, but I remembered that God is God. He had every right to say no, and I knew he would pick up the pieces of my heart and comfort me if I needed it.

And again, today, standing in my kitchen feeling sorry for myself and wondering why God wasn't jumping to answer our prayers or show us the future, he reminded me: He is God.

Am I prepared to worship him no matter what? To say, in essence, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him?" To look past my wants, my troubles, and ask to be included in his bigger plan?

I'd like to.

I will.

After all, he IS God.

Operation Mouth Guard, Day 1

I've decided to try something out for the month. My mission: to say nothing of a critical nature to my husband for a whole month, and, as part of that, to focus on being only encouraging and positive in my words.

I gave myself a time limit so I wouldn't get discouraged, so I'd have an attainable goal, and so I could (hopefully) start a new habit without overloading! :) (Thanks to flylady.com for this piece of advice on forming new habits and not biting off more than I can chew.)

These are the guidelines I've worked out so far:

~ no "sarcastic" comments (since they're really only my way of cowardly nitpicking, anyway, and they never seem to change anything for the better!)

~ no "valid" points. I'm choosing to set aside my "needs" for the month -- and hopefully this will also help me discern between actual, valid needs and selfish, self-validated and rationalized non-needs. I tend to confuse the two.

~ no "reminders." Also valid things, but not seen as helpful or enticements to do what I want. (And usually the things I want are not the same as Dave's priorities. I need to shut up more so we can work together, I think.)

I'm sure I'll come up with more as I go along, but these are the most obvious things I need to work on.

I plan to write a new note every day as a way of keeping myself accountable. Plus, it'll keep me from forgetting. :) I'll share how I've succeeded and how I've failed each day.

"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips"!!! (Psalm 141:3)

Oh yeah, I've also copied out a couple bible verses to put up around the house to remind and encourage me. Thank God that He's going to be helping me with this! ('Cause I'm really going to need it.)

I'm a little scared of failing, and I'm worried about how Dave will react, but I want to press on and change this area of my life. I think it'll make our marriage much better if I can just stop pushing all my needs and start realizing he's got some, too.

Here's my "theme verse":

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

Here's to a month of building up! :)

New Christians

I remember when I was a new Christian. There was so much to learn, and sometimes it made my head spin. I hadn't realized there was Christian lingo that I'd need to learn, I had no idea what the Rapture was, and I wanted to be a "good" Christian but didn't fully know what that meant. Yikes!

So, in memory of my early, confusing and exciting days as a baby Christ follower, and because of an awesome idea that my friend Jodi had, we're working on a new section for new Christians on YourEncouragement.com.

We've been there, done that, and now we want to help you get through it, too... a little more gracefully than we did, if possible!

Look for the new encouragement for new Christians, coming soon.