Why Has God Seemed Distant Lately?

I'm processing something, so I'll write about it.

I want to know what God's plan is, in all its details and timelines. How should we spend our money? Do we renovate or not? Are we going to have more kids, and if we do, will they be ours, or should we adopt?

I have so many questions for him, but at the same time, I'm finally feeling at peace again, after a frustrating and distant two weeks. Isn't it funny how God can feel so distant, even though we know he's right there? I felt like I was praying up against a wall, talking but not really communicating. I couldn't really hear him very well; I've been so tired and distracted lately that I didn't really notice it at first, but my blahs caught up to me tonight, and I asked him about it.

"Where are you? What happened to me that I feel distant from you?"

And I actually sat down and tried to muddle it out instead of complaining and moving on to the next activity, like I usually do.

I retraced my steps back to when I first noticed feeling out of whack, and I really thought about what might have happened. And you know what it was? It's the same thing as it always is when God feels distant to me. I had started saying no to him.

It was just a stupid, little thing that you'd think wouldn't make a difference. Really, it was just me deciding I wanted things a certain way, and then deciding not to ask my Father if that was his best plan, because I wanted it that way. I figured he wouldn't really care about it anyway.

But he cares about everything. :) And my stubborn heart blocked up our communication. The issue itself didn't really matter to him; it was my stubbornness, my "No, I want it my way," -- or, in more precise terms, "La la la la, I'm not listening," -- that mattered to him.

And, what do you know, when I told him I wasn't listening, I stopped hearing from him! Go figure.

Oddly enough, as soon as I figured this out tonight, let go of my stubborn desires, and said yes to him, I felt at peace.

I still have no idea what the specifics of his plans for me are, but now that I'm not stubbornly insisting on my own way anymore, I don't mind. He'll work it all out, and I'll be there to watch in awe, with my mouth hanging open a little, as I see how amazing his plans can be.